bittersweet

Christmas was bittersweet. We had a special Christmas program at church, just lots of singing and singing along. Then we ate a lot! Christmas day, my in-laws invited those who didn't have family from church to join us for lunch, Lakers v. Miami (Kobe v. Shaq) game, and Mr. Bean DVD's. Crazy crazy day. Too much food! I tried to gain some pounds but I think it didn't stay on very long. The bitter part, a church family member died of throat cancer. We just buried him today. Tomorrow is New Year's eve, don't know much about the future. Just hoping that God will bless us with a little Toto or little Tata, but right now it seems like it's not happening. I also decided for my new year's resolution to start my own journal, not the 1000 journals project though i did get the idea from Marissa, but just my own to keep because I have so much to say and show and somethings you want to keep close to you without letting the world know. Anyways, see you all next year!

HAPPY CHRISTMAS AND MERRY NEW YEAR!!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYBODY!!!!! HOPE THE SEASON BRINGS MANY BLESSINGS!!! WHICH SUCKS FOR ME BECAUSE I'M SICK!!!!
EDIT:// YOU HAVE GOT TO CHECKTHIS OUT! IF IT ISN'T THE CUTEST THING!!! SHE or HE (not sure of sex) IS JUST SO CUTE!!!

All I want for Christmas...

A professional make-up brush set, boots (sexy ones), a trip to vegas to see Zumanity and O!. That's all. That's all I want for Christmas.... Well, a new car (specifically an Acura TL) hehehe... but... um.... (sigh)

the official one

TODAY IS OUR OFFICIAL WEDDING ANNIVERSARY! TWO YEARS!

yup, i did it.

As you can see, I pretty much had the layout ready and all I needed to do was to post it. So here it is. I couldn't wait. I know that I won't have time in the next few weeks before the 12th of December so this is the perfect time to launch it. It's not even winter yet, but oh well. This layout suits me. It's so simple and pretty. I love this one.Oh, and here's that turkey. A group of nine people couldn't finish it. Lot's of left-overs for this week. That's two kinds of gravy too!

Poor baby!

Poor baby got spayed yesterday and got all her shots. She's still dizzy from the anesthesia and has lost all the fun-ness about her. She's in a bit of pain. We can't feed her yet because we have to wait a day before feeding her. She doesn't have any appetite either even just to drink. Poor baby! I don't know what to do!

Anyways, HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!
P.S. I decided to delay my new layout since it's for winter and right now, it is still super warm here in cali. Doesn't feel like winter at all. Doesn't even feel like fall either.

illegal

It was last night when we were on the fast lane. Then this guy, who was right beside us decided to change lanes. The problem was, he was RIGHT BESIDE US!!. He wasn't in the next lane ahead or behind, but literally right beside us. He just changed lanes and we ended up going to the shoulder of the fast lane to avoid him. There was no where for us to go!!! stupid driver. I think he got scared after doing that cuz he exited right away. Good thing we didn't chase after him. Stupid driver.

my morning commute

it's all about the monkey

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey " Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks nto the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says " Hey you!" The Monkey looks down and says,"holy fuuuuuuck dude. how much water did you drink?"

BORING!!

I have a short attention span and very little patience. I'm in the process of making the new winter layout. I'm kind-of tired of this one already.

Costume of choice. Wadya think?

so.. i guess they won!

White sox won...drought over...
Houston didn't have a chance. That's ok, Roger's got two already...

TOO MANY DATES

Happy pseudowedding anniversary BABY!!!! hehehe... for those who know, yes, this is what I call it. I'm horrible with remembering dates. This is no exception until he reminded me. "sigh"

Constant

I have problems dealing with my past. My friend Awon told me something about making peace. Making peace with our past. The most critical time of my life I was an outcast. Growing up an only child not only did I have difficulty making friends, but at where I was, people didn't want to make friends with me. Only a few, who spoke like me paid attention. It wasn't that I was jealous or bitter, just that I was mistreated and misunderstood. I was spit on once reading a book in the library. My socks were made fun of and my uniform because I couldn't afford to buy a new uniform. In college, my rebellion was short lived. I did all that, I drank a lot, I hung out with the wrong friends, I partied a lot, I rebelled against God, I was in the wrong relationships, in abusive relationships, I travelled without caution. I did all that, and it took me nowhere. Then I sometimes think, those people that i have so much hate for never experienced my experiences. Never was molested as a child, never grew up an only child to a single mother and having never met their biological father, never experienced being moved from one place to another, from one home to another, from one school to another, never dealt with being home alone at age 9, never had to earn money just to put myself through school. Their experiences could never compare to mine. Thus, I should never compare myself to them. My husband told me, stop thinking about your past and those people of you past because they probably don't even think about you at all. So either way, you're losing. They have moved on, you haven't.

Finally!

Rain has finally arrived to town!!!! Although, sometimes i wish the rain would come at a different time. Like before the fires ravage the entire southern california and make the mountains brushless. Then we wouldn't have so many landslides... Like the side of our house. I'll post a pic of it soon and show you what i mean fearing those landslides.
edit// here's what you see from our backyard. see the landslide patches from last year?

I'm so surprised at the somewhat naive and hardheaded mentality of some southern californians. I don't mean to offend, but california is known for its sunshine as well as its landslides. So why do they continue to build super expensive homes on the mountainside that is ready to tumble and roll downhill? What is up with that? If you drive on the freeway near where i live, it winds between the mountains and often you see development on the side of the mountain. Currently, that house i saw the other day was for sale. There must have been only ten inches of soil that was holding it up. No surprise, now that the rain has come, it's now on the market. I have nothing against southern california, but the rich should really use their heads sometimes and not just their pockets.
EDIT// HERE'S THAT PICTURE OF THAT HOUSE. WOULD ANYONE ACTUALLY WANT TO BUY THIS? ESPECIALLY SINCE RAINY SEASON IS COMING? SERIOUSLY!

What i miss, the basement. Homes with basements. like out east. It's just that cozy extra space of anything and everything. California can't have basements, earthquakes you know. Winter is here, but never does it feel like it. I miss the snow, the bare trees, the cold. The real winter. "sigh"
I should really consider moving somewhere like Seattle, Chicago, Portland, somewhere. Supposedly readers digest said that Portland was one of the cleanest cities and Chicago however wasn't so lucky. As for the South, I don't think i'll go to the south though. The last time I looked, the hairstyle was stuck in the 80's. I'm not generalizing though, some places in the south are just plain beautiful. But the accent...hmmm... NY and NJ is a little crowded. I'm just brainstorming, i miss what real winter really feels like, that's all.

this is so gross!

//Edit//..
i couldn't bear looking at the picture everytime I opened this blog. so If you want to see what really grossed me out, click here.

this just makes my hairs stand up!!! Doesn't this just gross you out? This person's teeth are infected with maggots!!! This is the most disguisting picture i've ever seen. I don't think anything can beat this.

BEWARE OF THE BIRDS!

IT IS NOW IN CALIFORNIA!!!

WHAT IS IT?- Influenza A (H5N1) virus - also called "H5N1 virus" - is an influenza A virus subtype that occurs mainly in birds BUT HAS RECENTLY BEEN TRANSFERED TO HUMANS.

TREAMENT?
The H5N1 virus has caused human illness and death is resistant to amantadine and rimantadine, two antiviral medications commonly used for influenza. There currently is no vaccine to protect humans against the H5N1 virus WE HAVE NO DEFENSE!!! DEATH TOLL RISING.

STAY AWAY FROM BIRD POOP! AND LARGE GATHERINGS OF PIGEONS, CHICKENS, ETC.

Sweet and sour, then just bitter

Did I tell you i'm a Yankee fan? I'm such a hyprocrite too since I like the yankees cuz of certain peeps, (AROD,Jeter,Matsui) but I also think they're OVERRATED. I mean, the only exciting time that i actually watch the Yankees is when they play the Red Sox. I think it's only the Red Sox who can actually kick their butts unless ofcourse they lose, then at least the Yankees where challenged with a team that raises their hairs. I don't really know a lot of Red Sox members, but some of them are pretty good. Like David Ortiz. And anyways, the last time I rooted for the Red Sox instead of the Yankees, someone didn't talk to me for a week. "He" ofcourse is happy cuz the Yankees are in the playoffs. The Yankees are old. The Dodgers are too young and not very good btw. The Red Sox i can't cheer for cuz i get hostile reactions. So I guess I'll stick with the old.
P.S. Thanks Toto for your support even though I like to antagonize you regarding the Yankees. I read your blog and thanks for being there to support me.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

My favorite commercial is the one of "Zales" where a young couple is walking in the park and in front of them is an older couple walking slowly and holding hands. Then the young couple goes and passes them and the young lady looks back at the older couple and holds her husband's hand. Then it says, "There are two things that last longer than time. Love is one of them."

Dear Mahal,
Each birthday tells me that i just spent the last year with the most amazing and influential person in my life. It tells me that as you get older, so will I and that is comforting. Comforting to know that we'll grow old together, in love, life, hope, patience, children, family, and in the Lord. Happy birthday Baby!!! You are the completion to my everything!!!
P.S. It's Diana's (pic here) birthday today too! Happy Birthday Diana! May you continue to tame Ferdie to be more of a wonderful person he already is because of you. I'm so glad you guys are together!!! You guys are the model couple to us!!! Hope you continue in your love for each other!!! We love you!!! Happy Birthday!!!!

yankees

YANKEES WON! NUFF SAID ABOUT THAT.
//edit/// nevermind thisP.s. Have you ever been told that you were a horrible person just because you were doing something good? It hurts, it really hurts. I can't bear this.

ashes are everywhere!

while the rest of the country is hustling about because of the hurricanes, here in Los Angeles County, we're overwhelmed with fires. The past three days the sky has been nothing but red and shadowy. You can smell the smoke whereever you go and ashes are all over the place, on your car and everywhere you step on or look. More than 16,000 acres have been burned and the fire is still raging. Here are just some pictures I got from the LA Times. Please pray for us who might eventually be in the path of the scary engulfing flames.

I have a confession...

Ok, I have a confession to make...I like to look at women... Ok, let me explain. There a few women I think are beautiful and I admire. Just to name a few, Catherine Zeta-jones, Monica Belluci, Kate Beckingsale, Charlene Gonzales, Kristen Kreuk. The truth is, I just admire their beauty. Kinda a way for me to look and compare and just simply be jealous but at the same time find them beautiful, graceful, or talentted, or even hot! But I'm not attracted to them in a lustful way, just admire them. Is it wrong to do so? "He" said it was weird and that I should be looking at men instead. But, i mean,... i look at women because I want to reach a certain ideal, like how they dress, they move, they act. Is it "that" wrong? Am I the only female who like to look at other beautiful women? I just don't have a male figure to really admire except maybe AROD and Christian Bale. But even they are not as "beautiful" in a more definitive sense as some women are. Men can be attractive, but not handsome. The handsome ones seem overrated, like Tom Cruise. But for women, beauty can be something all in itself. Am I really so wrong and obsessed? Is this really something I should get therapy for?

"sigh"

It's been such a busy week. I'm so jealous at those who are having their vacation soon (hint:she resides here) and those who practically live in vacation (hint:rainbow lucky girl) and a few other peeps who I know just had a great vacation, although they got home broke... (no hints here, i might get in trouble). Anyways, I'm just going to stress it out for about a few more months. At least I have my trusty favorite movie to cheer me up, and "NO" it's not a penguin movie. "Secret Garden" and "A Little Princess", and yeah, i know, i'm too old to watch these kiddy movies but i'm still a little girl inside. The "Secret Garden" i've probably seen a million times and occasionally sneak in a few minutes of my favorite scenes during the days i'm bored or stressed. I just bought "A Little Princess" a few months ago. Adding to my collection of childhood movies. Among which includes the "Neverending Story" and the very primitive clay animation "The Wind in the Willows" (which I thought was cool when I was a child, now... still considered "WAS" cool when I was a child).

House: There's Waldo.

Season premier: Tuesday September 13, 2005 on FOX

House: I have to make him all better for the state to kill him. Is it me or does that seem ironic?

THIS SHOW IS AWESOME AND EXTREMELY WELL WRITTEN!!!!! NUFF SAID...

so...yeah...

So my autumn layout finally is out. It's not one of my favorites. I've been struggling with this layout and have tried different ones to see what it would look like. I made roughly four layouts for fall and finally decided on this one. It's not all that but it will do for the meantime till winter comes around. Sorry guys, it's not that pretty, i know, just pretty ordinary.

The theme is based, obviously, on autumn, but it's also based on my wants. My bestfriend Sheryl and I have been wanting to live in a place that is kind of "woodsy" but not too far from the city. The big city. I've grown up in so many environments, moved so much, and have finally decided that I want the cake and eat it too. This photo shows the kind of place I want to live in. Near the woods I guess but not too far from the city. I heard some places in Seattle and Portland are like this, the neighborhoods I mean. "Sigh"...wishful thinking.

do you remember?

I remember "today" just a few years ago. Getting ready to leave the house, when I saw the tv and my whole world stopped. The twin towers disappeared faster than i could absorb the shock...


September 11, 2005, in New York, A mourner stands by a reflecting pool at the site of the former World Trade Center during a ceremony to commemorate the fourth anniversary of the terror attacks.

See why he's in pain...here

my critique

Episode 101
"Pilot"
Airdate: 08/29/2005

Episode 102
"Allen"
Airdate: 08/29/2005

It just keeps you on your feet. You're not sure if this guy is tough enough, smart enough, or just cocky. What is for sure is that it's a thrilling show. I just don't know if anyone is actually that brave to pull a stunt like that. Despite the complex development of the story, it is revealed extremely well, and as the end of the episode unfolded, i was with sweaty palms and wanting more. If the rest of the series is as thrilling and exciting as these episodes, then this show is certainly going to top the ratings.

Wentworth Miller's (Michael Scofield)performance has kept me interested,wanting to know more. I'm anxious to see how his character progresses throughout the series. I doubt that this series will pull through another season. I mean, after the prisonbreak, then what? Do we change the title?

my favorite character

isn't he cute?

autumn layout

I know that it's just been recently that I changed the layout of this blog, but the seasons change so fast. So I've been working on the autumn layout. I've been struggling since I have so many ideas but they don't seem to pop! So I decided to go simple this time and hope that it turns out alright. I've made four autumn layouts and I think one of them is the "one". I'll show a quick glimpse of what it might contain. Something like this...






THE DRIVE

So I've been driving the "green" car lately and it scares me sometimes that I might scratch it or something. It's different if it's your own car because you're not too scared if anything happens to it. I wonder if Ferdie has a car for me? I'm becoming more confident that I won't screw anything up with the "green" car. He has been pretty patient with me. He's really good with keeping his cool. I don't think I can contain myself the way he does. That's what's great about him, he keeps you calm you know, just like his personality, pretty calm.

"She's back!"

On another note, my bestfriend is back in town from her travels on the east coast. At first I was a little jealous, but then after all the stories,I'm kind of glad I didn't go with her. I guess it's an east coast thing, or maybe she is just a California girl, kinda like me. :-)

It's a beautiful day!

The view from my bedroom window. This week has been full of just perfect days. Days to make long drives like what my babe is making me do.

My new product of affection

SONY DRX-800UL External USB 2.0/i.Link Double/Dual Layer & Dual Format DVD BurnerDRX-800UL

A MUST SEE!!!!

I'm not usually the kind of person who likes to watch comedies because I don't really ever find them funny. But this movie was really funny. I mean really really funny. My cheeks hurt after the movie from laughing so much. I mean, even the credits were funny. The very beginning was funny. i will definitely buy this movie once it's out on DVD. It is hilarious!!!!! It has good ratings on both critic and viewer reviews. Seriously, this movie is the comedy of the year. You have GOT TO SEE THIS MOVIEand see what i'm talking about!!!!

Rainy days and mondays always get me down...

Actually, it's a sunday. I finally get to spend some quality time with my hubby. Although, he still has to work some time today, it will only be a few hours. Mondays and the rest of the week is a bummer. Well, i'll be off my butt and out of vacation after this week and be just as busy. Thank goodness. I'm just not a stay home and do nothing person. I always have to do something otherwise I feel like i'm wasting time. Anyways...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JACE! YOU'RE NOW 11.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FERDIE! OUR BESTEST FRIEND! THE ONE WHO MAKES SERIOUS THINGS FUNNY AND MAKES FUNNY THINGS FUNNIER!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY PARE!!!! IF YOU EVER DECIDE ON A COMEDIC CAREER, WE'LL BE YOUR NUMBER 1 FAN!!! HEHEHEHEHHEHEEEEEE.....

MANY BLESSINGS TO YOU IKIE! YOU CUTE THING! pics

DUH! ME!

A million thanks to COBOLdinosaur from lissa forums!!!! Finally got this margin thing fixed. I should've known, but depended on the alignment not the margin. Didn't even bother with the margin. hehehehe... I'm a nut. Finally the last alteration to this blog for a while!!! Whew! I love forums.... hehehe. THANKS COBOLdinosaur!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yeah, i know

I just really wanted to make this blog have some kind of reflection of me. Or something of the sort. The cherry blossoms just wasn't it. Then it dawned on me, the things I miss the most. I miss the adventures that my friends and I used to have. The kayaking, hiking, spelunking, traveling, all that stuff. I remember when we were kayaking in some caves in anacapa island. I miss all that stuff. Stuff that used to define me. It's been a little stressful lately and I've certainly changed priorities, but deep inside, it's still there, that part of me that has always wanted adventure. That person who just loves the great outdoors. It's there somewhere, I just misplaced it somehow and now am picking up the little clues of where that part of me has gone. So here it is, the final alteration to my blog. I'll stick with this one for a while. Promise. Although I still have problems trying to text-align left on css. Doesn't seem to work. Bear with me while i try to figure it out.

kiss

Sometimes it is that first kiss that tells a woman if the man is right for her. Most of the time, you just know. It's in the look that you can sometimes tell if you're in love. Most of the time, you just know.

DUNKIN' DONUTS!

Why isn't there a Dunkin Donuts in Los Angeles?!!! I am so craving them right now!

ARRRGGGG!!!!

There are days when I hate certain people. Not the people themselves, more like how stupid they can be! This is how it works-- You get a job, you get the job description, you get trained, you gain experience, and eventually if you stay in the job a while you're technically experienced. So why do some people make you do their work when they are the ones experienced in it! This is what makes me mad. This lady got on my nerves so much that I had to let Toto reread my email to make sure I didn't sound too pissed that could get me in trouble. There are honest and sincere people out there who really try to gain a clear understanding of their faith and then there are people out there who are supposed to be the ones to support these sincere people and end up finding ways to not do their job! It's like a pastor who preaches love but is a complete racist. Anyways, I'm ranting. Eventually I might regret or rephrase what I say here tonight. I can't think anymore. But I'm done venting. I should just watch Monk and see what really happened to Trudy. Poor Monk.

STARBUCKS! is my inspiration

After the morning awakening seemed to need a little help, it was my favorite Grande Mocha that lifted my spirit. Well, more like opened my eyes. It had a quote on the cup. Thus, my quote for today. Often times I crave for coffee so much that I can't stand it anymore. Since I haven't been drinking coffee as much as I used to in college, it kind-of gives me sudden phases of craving. As if I'm somewhat addicted to it or something even though I can go months without it. It's interesting how there are restrictions on addictive things but not when it comes to drinks. We really don't have a ban on alcohol as we do on most illegal drugs, nor do have special restrictive areas for drinking either at work or other public places as we do for smoking. I wonder if in a few years coffee will be banned? After all it, does increase your heart rate, blood pressure, and more unsual lumps on a womans breast. But then alcohol is just as bad. Whenever one pees after a drink, it isn't the alcohol running down to the toilet because the alcohol is in your blood. It's the water in your body being pushed out by the alcohol. No wonder there's such thing as a hang-over. Too much of that alcohol in your head and not enough water. But will we ever ban alcohol? I think not. The majority of politicians have at least one cocktail or hard drink here and there. For some, that's what keeps them going, or make them the so called scholars of society, leaders in fact. I mean, all that alcohol can't be that bad right? Check out some leaders in some countries, one in particular that I will not mention, but you know who I mean. I guess it's the same thing with food. Or is it? Can't eat beef in India but can in the US? hmmm... So what is it exactly? What could possibly be the most logical explanation?

ON MY MIND

"Tokyo Godfathers" is a great movie. Since I'm currently collecting anime movies, this one is definitely one of my favorites. I couldn't stop laughing the whole time. It's innovative and the plot and script was just amazing. It ranks top on my anime movie list with "Spirited Away." I just love how the imagination of these great anime creators come out in their works. This movie definitely filled my heart. It's out on DVD. Out of five, I give it a five stars! http://www.sonypictures.com/cthe/tokyogodfathers/


WEALTH WEAPONS
It should be common knowledge by now that children born into tremendous wealth become very unstable and ill-natured citizens. Why then do most wealthy parents continue to raise their children that way?

"The future of society is indexed by the youth of today. In them we see the future teachers and lawmakers and judges, the leaders and the people, that determine the character and destiny of the nation. How important, then, the mission of those who are to form the habits and influence the lives of the rising generation.

To deal with minds is the greatest work ever committed to men. The time of parents is too valuable to be spent in the gratification of appetite or the pursuit of wealth or fashion. God has placed in their hands the precious youth, not only to be fitted for a place of usefulness in this life but to be prepared for the heavenly courts." E.G. White--HS 209, 1886. (Te 270.)

WHAT IS AN INSPIRATION?

Stimulation of the mind or emotions to a high level of feeling or activity. The condition of being so stimulated. An agency, such as a person or work of art, that moves the intellect or emotions or prompts action or invention. Something, such as a sudden creative act or idea, that is inspired. Divine guidance or influence exerted directly on the mind and soul of humankind -- This is why I added a quote of the day to my blog.

Death of a legend

Peter Jennings 1938-2005. A great man who, despite being a highschool drop-out proved that you can be sucessful if you just work hard. For him, extra hard work. From the coverage of the Berlin Wall, the civil rights movement, and traveling all over the world, mostly in dangerous situations to bring us the news since 1983 as the ABC evening news anchor. It is so sad. A most honorable man.

my obsession

So we went to see "The March of the Penguins". As for those who know me all too well, I've been crazy about penguins since childhood. Now they're actually doing a movie about it. I think i have more penguin stuff than anybody. Toto didn't want to see it but when he did, he really liked it. Amazing how we learn so many new things about the creatures that live in this world. Out of ten, i give the movie a 10! It's just amazing, plus the camera crew were amazing to have to film in such conditions.

it's the weather

I love spring and winter, I hate super hot summers. It's easier to get warm than it is to try to stay cool. I decided to change the colors of my blog to what i feel is currently most desired, cooler weather. We went to Loma Linda today and the place just felt like a large oven. It was way too hot. We really must have some well needed rain. I want to be where the cherry blossoms grow, the cool of the shade, the beauty of the sky contrasting a most amazing floral presentation.

a little jealous

There are five girls in our family. Two from my Aunt Ying, Two from my Aunt Bebot, and Me. Two have a child, one is pregnant and the other one will probably get pregnant before me! And I'm the oldest of all my female cousins! Here I am married and this burden is on me. Well, my only hope is that God will give me one when he knows it's time. I guess right now He doesn't think it's time to have one. I know He hears my prayers, our prayers, but I guess He knows what's best. I struggle with this a lot. My cousin who recently got married (didn't invite me btw) and who was my bridesmaid during my wedding, is pregnant and flaunting her sexy body. Makes me so jealous. I hope she comes out with good looking babies. Her hubby seems to have a decent poise. Langga! you make me so jealous! It's always the "ilong" that we're concerned about. I'm not too worried about the nose for my future baby. My husband and I are ok. ARGG! I should stop this complaining. It will come in time. I'm sure it will. I just need to wait. Patience however is not my strongest attribute.

finished list

I finally finished my list of things to do before I die. Though some people have probably already done most of those things. At least I got the "get married" part out of the way. It's a pretty long list. I was hoping to reach a hundred, but I guess I'll just add to it with time. Oh well. I should really get out of bed now and eat breakfast. Eversince this vacation started, I do nothing but browse the internet, eat, sleep, and watch tv. I'm going to gain weight. Well, that's a good thing, I need some extra pounds to add. At least 15 pounds is my goal. I didn't want to add that to my things to do list because I might not want to literally gain too much. Just enough to make me look healthier, really. Just be healthy. As my picture shows, I'm a little on the skinny side. I hope my Babe won't mind. Eventually I'll add more links once I get the hang of this.

There's no tomorrow

I treat each day like there's no tomorrow. That's why I hate mornings. He leaves me in the mornings. He leaves me longing to touch, feel, smell, kiss, hug, taste, and twist myself around him. I hate it when he leaves. For over eight hours a day I don't see him. How does one know if you might not see someone tomorrow? How do would you know when your life or that of someone you love will be taken away?


When we got married I don't think I thought about what would really change in my life. But now I know. I know that my life is him, being with him, loving him, having his children, growing old with him. I want to love him each day like there's no tomorrow. That's what keeps me going. That's what keeps the spice in our relationship going. That's what makes me love him more.

can't sleep

Do you ever try to sleep and all you ever do instead is think and think about stuff that you just can't get out of your head? My Babe has to go to work early so he goes to sleep early. But I woke up much later than he did this morning so i'm not at all sleepy. He on the other hand is, plus the fact that he has to go to work early. Sometimes I just wish that we had the same schedules so we could spend some "getting ready" time in the mornings like we used to. Oh well. I love him so much though.

Right now i'm thinking about our cute cat Nomi. Strategically named in japanese for flea. She was covered in fleas when we first got her and my sister-in-laws gave her the flea pinching/killing/soaping time of her life. She was about less than a month old when we got her. First our older cat Rufus (who happens to be extremely traumatized and anti-social) got scared of the little thing. (the name in association with how he was found - on the roof) Now the two felines play with each other like crazy. I think Rufus learned a new language from this experience, considering that he probably hasn't seen another cat from the first days he was born. They're so cute together.

more about me

Growing up I've always felt a little resentful of the things that have happened in my life. Primarily when I was sent to the philippines for highschool. It was rather hard for me to adapt. Everybody spoke the language except me, a filipina who was not openly accepted by her own people but could never be a true American due to the color of her skin. It was hard because at that time my mother was also going through a very tough divorce that lasted almost seven years. We were very poor then and the only thing she could do was to send me to the Philippines. My classmates made fun of my shoes, my socks, my uniform. I could hardly study because half the time I had a hard time understanding the english that my teachers spoke. Overtime ofcourse I got over it and things got a little better. But it really was never comfortable.

While the majority of my classmates had a mother, father, and siblings, it was hard for me to have friends that would understand the divorce my parents were going through, the tough times I had to reconcile childhood molestation and knowing that I would never really meet my biological father. I had to deal with the change in culture, of people, and being a teenager at the same time. But I learned something rather important.

I want to teach my kids to not discriminate based on cultural experiences or social class position. I want them to understand that you can be the smartest person in school, but being schooled does not equal being educated. That character is more evident on how you perform at home, how you treat your mother is how they will treat their wives, how they treat their mother is how their children will treat them. I want my children to grow up with a father. I hate the idea of divorce. Marriage is not just an individual's satisfaction of needs, but the psychological and emotional needs of the family as a whole. Marriage is not a board game that you can decide to quit anytime it doesn't go your way, it is a journey that you take whatever road you may tread on. It requires endurance as well as determination. Marriage is not an institute of the law, rather a gift from God. A much treasured gift that only God should be allowed to break apart if He sees fit.

At the same time, I do not blame my mother for any of her choices. Her choices have affected me and made me who I am. I will cherish my mother like a princess, not only because I love her, but because my example will hopefully show my children how I would want them to treat me. Finally, I must admit that I still hold some kind of resentment to many of those who blatantly refused to accept me whether it be due to popularity or social postion. But, one thing that I must continually tell myself, it is not our fault that one's character is formed, but rather our responsibility to adapt while at the same time stand for our beliefs, to understand while at the same time allow ourselves to be understood, and to respect while at the same time achieve a respectable disposition. If hardships and obstacles have taught me one thing, it would be God, the giver of my strength who above all else has kept me going till this very minute.

Poems

A simple collection of my poems, my thoughts, my emotions, my dreams, my heart.

My forever

If forever was my threshold, my only time to breath

Then i would keep you close to my bossoms beat

And each year that i get younger, each passing morning rise

I would steal that protective look from your golden eyes

If forever was my destiny, my pace, my only being

They your tenderness is like a river sooths

I would hold that day in stillness of a moonless time

And proclaim that I am yours and you are mine

If forever was our heaven, our trip to glory be

I would see you as an angel watching close

I would love to feel those wings of soft, resounding touch

I would give you all of what is mine that's much

If i live only forever, then your spirit reigns in me

your protection, your devotion and your patience

You have lifted me from darkeness, from unbearable despair

When I disappear from hope you show up there

Take me Lord to your forever, take me anytime you want

I can't wait to love you more than earth can mean

For if forever is with you in paradise of peace

Then forever I love you with much more bliss

You are my heart that beats forever, never hinders

you are my eternal sun rays of each day

you are the mist of greener valleys and hills

and forever I will love you, love you still

jsr

OLD CHINA MAN

Dear Toto,

I saw an old china man today, his face of worn out pain, he had a coat in the afternoon heat, of colors of the rain. He made a backpack of plastic bags hanging from his back, and with a crooked way he took his faithful walk. His face of wrinkles and his glasses scratched, his shoes of a million miles, his pants I could not notice 'cause I never saw them in style. Oh china man, old china man, among the young and strong, among the faces of tomorrow passing you along. Oh china man, old china man, my heart sinks with despair, I feel myself a fortunate child that never really cared. You walk without the pride of sun but humble feet that stall, and disappear into the shrubs along the building's wall. I cry inside and realize that all I had was pride, and when I saw your humble face my tears no longer hide. Oh china man, old china man, I cannot seem to bear, you walking with the young and proud that don't even see you there. Oh china man, old china man, when Jesus comes one day, I will rejoice that you are part of those who rise away. Your face will bloom like spring blown flowers without the wrinkly skin, your coat will be a robe of whiteness, you'll be no longer thin. You bear nothing from your back for all your grief He took, and straight and tall you will then raise high above to look. Your eyes will shine with tears of joy for you will see so clear, your feet will soften in the air, His voice so sweet you hear. Oh China man, old china man, among the young and strong, among the faithful and the humble, old friends and those from home. Oh China man, old china man, my heart will smile that day, because not only will you rise, but Jesus had heard me pray.

Love Tata
Jerri-Anne Rafanan

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU
Your voice is like the clearing in the woods. A song like troubadour guitars. Your kiss is my torment, my forgiveness, my redemption, my awakening. Your eyes though they are turned away, are like sweet ocean mist. Your touch is my equilibrium, my freedom. I get lost the night that you hold me, and i lose control the times you kiss me. You drive me crazy, a madness that i cannot control. You are my everything, i need nothing because you are my blessing. You fill my soul with riches of your heart. I have no fears, you are my devotion. You enchant me, you're all i need. You give me tranquility with your caress, your voice, your heart. You are more than just my song. With you is where i know i belong. I love you!
Jerri-Anne Rafanan

Eternal Dreams of Passage

In the stillness of my epiphany, in the darkness of this rage, in the moment of a sudden breath taken away by age, in the road of empty travels, and the storms of inner revenge, as a little girl unravels upon her perpetrator's hands. He slowly sneaks through the forbidden door, through the net of white, through the noise of quiet crickets, in the crescent fallen night. He puts a finger upon his lips, he tells to say no more, and in my nightmares of reality, as if a demon walked through the moor. He makes me close my fearful eyes, and rain beset my chest, I cry like the entire world is gone, and emptiness left the rest. Through the twilight, through the voice of nightfall's rain, through the quiet stabbing scream, through the terror that I've been. At last I feel so folded, a little flower at rest, it sways to show no beauty, it hides its aching mess. It blooms distinct the spring leaves, unlike the fields of grass, a little girl just longing for this eternal pain to pass. Hold tight until the morning, hold tight until the day, and keep your silent weeping until he walks away. Grip on to your only transience, grip on to illusory dreams, do not wonder do not ponder; don't depend on what it means. And as this existence may scroll on, as the shadows continue to follow, as the child in me is growing and awaiting my tomorrow, the nights hold me no refuge, the days just empty space, the crying child still lingers as I long to find my place. And though the days have passed me and survival of those nights, and though the stormy weather dreams have left in ancient flights, the man is still waiting in my nightmares, through the unforgiving moor, and in these dreams I cannot help to fear the forbidden door. So in this stillness of my adulthood, in the hours of empty hopes, in the chills of summer pains and passing through to cope, I still feel this dim epiphany, in the darkness of my rage, in the moment of my painful breath taken away by age.

Jerri-Anne Rafanan

Un-Forbidden Rhapsody of You

Under this faded light of the sun and changing frequency of time -Under the sequence of fallen rain and a rhapsody of this is mine- Quivering in endless spectacle the road of forever at dawn- Any a many in every horizon and knowing that you are my own- Filtered among those of the grim moon, passage through eternal rise -Morning awakened this hungry soul seeing your smile and in your eyes.- Hoping that on the rubbing touch traveling upon my wonderland -Free in the excitement of ecstasy and earthquakes of your tender hand. -Getting the river of a flowing kiss, momentum upon this equation -Bringing a variable of a breath a wonder of glimpsing devotion- And all i hold is a completed glide through this pass a life in its due, -Eternal atmosphere of un-forbidden love that this unburdened heart finds in you

I love you my Toto, My Reuben Frank Jr, My Babe, My Mahal, My Love Love always Tata
Jerri-Anne Rafanan

I AM UGLY

I am ugly because
I am not the one you want I am not the tall woman who
Is blond and eyes of blue I am the one unseen none knew
I am ugly because I am not the one with that in back
The butt so round and strong The boobs that pop up
I am just a friendly stop I am ugly because
I am not the beauty that you long Not the person Not the height
Not the figure Not the might Not the smile Not the laugh
Not the brains Not the right stuff Not the front Not the swing
Not the stanceJust a thing Not the walk Not the talk
Not the feel Not the hold Not the hug Not the right mold
Not the dream Nor fantasy Not the ideal Bride to be
Not the body Of a mermaid Not the mind If it was important
Not the personality If in this body Not the smile If in this height
Not the front You want your friends to see Not the one of pride to be Not the stereotype
Not the hot babe Not the “damn she’s fine” Not the submissive slave Not the strength you want
Although you do not know Not one to bring to mama Or family and friends Not the right religion
Not the right likes Not the taste Not the right family
I’m not the one with the blue eyes Not the one with silver blond hair
Not the one with the perfect height Not the one with the body to stare
Not the one you would love to feel Not the one not the right one
Not the ideal

I am ugly because
You do not know me

Jerri-Anne Rafanan

Who is me?
I sit at the windowsill looking at the life’s depth. Of what I am or who I be? Is being a filipina what I feel is me? Is being this little brown girl making me see my identity, my reality or do I deny who is me? I walked passed the trees while the flowers and fallen leaves cheer my feet. And I cannot enthrall myself into thinking that my ideas, my morals, what was and is still instilled in me conflicts with finding my identity. I wonder a lot about those like me. I do not have any friends the color of me. The origin like me, the hair or talk or thoughts like me. I do not have the people who surround me like me. All I see is what I have grown up to believe. To believe that this country is great, to believe that my people are not mine but is everybody’s. So I sit again not at the windowsill, you see, but in a room. Finally, I am with people like me. They are pieces of me. But are they really? The skin, maybe, their origins, maybe, their hair, maybe, but their hearts and the paths to their depths of life, I have a hard time believing any are like me. So I will walk again. Walk on, you see. And leave this room of people like me, of pieces of me. And in this walk, not by the flowers and fallen leaves, you see, but in life, and I think, is this little brown girl making me see my identity, my reality, or do I deny who is me?

Jerri-Anne Rafanan

A Nothing Morning
Enticed by the aroma of coffee leisurely nomadic in the air, music transcending with it and the sounds of aged era thirties and forties with a mention of "nature man" in the lyrics. I sing along to it recollecting the words and riveting the meanings into a most evocative sense only there is nothing that memory relates. Mornings are just full of it. Full of everything and nothing. Everything is like the crackle of morning engines and fast-speeding vehicles and, slow moving buses in the misty morning where sunlight appears in its most shadowy moment. Cool air does not escape me as I watch from the van window the calm yet hasty sense of the morning. Windy roads, cold trees lining the mode with their blue or black branches toting up a hint of dark green and yellow on its extensions. Reaching destination, only to grip the cold breeze sliding past my ears and around my neck, sensing no time or place but this morning of nothing and everything in place. I observe green in the mist of its dew and the squirrels in their morning venture to steal food from the birds, climbing recklessly down the planted trees scattering the feathers of white and grey in the air, rustle a hustle and bustle and purring of the pigeons. Although the aroma still entices me, especially upon entrance to the coffee shop, I hold myself reluctant to continue in my endeavor of the book and close its covers on page sixty. Just a little over a hundred more pages to go and the goals sink in to finish it by noon. Hunger hasn't controlled my stomach though the bagel was toasted. No trip to the lavatory this morning although I sense that it will eventually appeal during the wee hours of the ending of lecture. Then the rush of it will sink into my concentration undiscerning to the supposed important information transcribed by my brain from the lecturer. It's a morning of everything in where everything will start, either of rest, calmness and relaxation or of worry, business and anxiety all in the effort to evade boredom in this fragile society of racketing activity. And all this time, I gaze at my fingers either cold or dry and put the fragrant lotion to moisten them. At last, it is also a morning of nothing. The shininess of the band shows a distorted image of myself and a sinking heart descends in my head and running warmth in my body. It is a morning of nothing because I feel nothing, nothing but the longing of your face, warmth, touch, voice and love. Mornings are nothing without you. Only you make every morning, to me, everything.

Jerri-Anne Rafanan

RAIN

So i guess God decided to rain down on me a gallon of blessings. I wasn't sure what it was. there were colors and prisms everywhere, colors that i had never seen would be so beautiful under such an awesome light. I wondered why he sent it down to me. I wondered if the rain was sprinkling of happiness or pouring of love. With the rain came a certain essence. a feeling that flowed through my spine and to my heart. I didn't understand it, i couldn't grasp it's meaning. I tried and i tried with the meager that i knew to figure out what the feeling was. It rang in my head so often that i could not control such delight. Then i woke up that morning, and the rain was still pouring. i wondered how long the rain would pour. I put my raincoat on and decided to run in the rain, splash in the puddles and raise my eyes to the sky. The feeling came over me again, this time i began to feel better, to understand it though i struggled to deny it. I went home and smiled, for if he let these blessings pour, i did not want Him to stop pouring. The next day, i went outside, it was more beautiful than i had hoped. the rain had stopped but in its place, the colors were spread across a sea of awe. It was everywhere, in my house, my life, my heart. I looked towards the front picket gate and there, the essence that had overwhelmed me overcame me again. The feeling that flowed through my spine and my heart. But this time, i didn't want to grasp it. This time i didn't want to deny it. This time it didn't matter if i understood it. And then i realized, the blessings were still pouring, not of rain or colors or sky, but of one thing that came through that picket fence towards me. That one that spread the arms that overtook me. And as i looked up to the sky and thanked God, i knew he was still raining down on me a gallon of blessings, a big gallon wrapped up and bound in YOU!

Jerri-Anne Rafanan