What I have become

I used to be this active and lively person.  Full of life, of ambition, of talent, of optimism.  All of which i felt truly myself, comfortable, and never a worry about who i was supposed to be.  But over the years things have changed.  Once I got married i realized that there were some rules to be followed, which in the beginning was just fine with me.  I wasn't much of a church goer, and because my husband is a pastor's son and his convictions have been strong since childhood, i am now an avid church goer.  I obviously abide by rules of the church and principles that i truly believed in.  

But, despite the uplifting spiritual enjoyment of my church, i have experienced the most political disappointments in my church as well.  Politics is amazing in a small church.  Your task is to not offend anyone, to compromise, to save your words, to guard your feelings, to hold your thoughts, to keep temperate your emotions for the sake of others.  Which in all due respect is all good, to some extent.....  But in the process I've become more skeptical, less lively, less passionate.  

Compromise is an amazing thing.  It can make or break a person.  In this case i believe that it has broken me.   For now i know that i can never truly be myself in church.  I can never truly show my heart and passion in church.  That all this is sometimes for the show and the real reason to be in church is not there.  So my conclusion has become, to never show who i really am in church, to go for spiritual matters and to not involve myself in anything that can show who i am or any talents i can contribute.  It just isn't worth it to me.  I'll go there for one reason, for my God and for the sake of my family.  But in all this i'll have to sacrifice my heart and personality for their sake.   It's so disappointing it literally puts a pounding pressure in my heart.  What a disappointment.  May i focus only what really is important.  I will never put my soul out there to man, for man lies ultimate disappointment.