a little jealous

There are five girls in our family. Two from my Aunt Ying, Two from my Aunt Bebot, and Me. Two have a child, one is pregnant and the other one will probably get pregnant before me! And I'm the oldest of all my female cousins! Here I am married and this burden is on me. Well, my only hope is that God will give me one when he knows it's time. I guess right now He doesn't think it's time to have one. I know He hears my prayers, our prayers, but I guess He knows what's best. I struggle with this a lot. My cousin who recently got married (didn't invite me btw) and who was my bridesmaid during my wedding, is pregnant and flaunting her sexy body. Makes me so jealous. I hope she comes out with good looking babies. Her hubby seems to have a decent poise. Langga! you make me so jealous! It's always the "ilong" that we're concerned about. I'm not too worried about the nose for my future baby. My husband and I are ok. ARGG! I should stop this complaining. It will come in time. I'm sure it will. I just need to wait. Patience however is not my strongest attribute.

finished list

I finally finished my list of things to do before I die. Though some people have probably already done most of those things. At least I got the "get married" part out of the way. It's a pretty long list. I was hoping to reach a hundred, but I guess I'll just add to it with time. Oh well. I should really get out of bed now and eat breakfast. Eversince this vacation started, I do nothing but browse the internet, eat, sleep, and watch tv. I'm going to gain weight. Well, that's a good thing, I need some extra pounds to add. At least 15 pounds is my goal. I didn't want to add that to my things to do list because I might not want to literally gain too much. Just enough to make me look healthier, really. Just be healthy. As my picture shows, I'm a little on the skinny side. I hope my Babe won't mind. Eventually I'll add more links once I get the hang of this.

There's no tomorrow

I treat each day like there's no tomorrow. That's why I hate mornings. He leaves me in the mornings. He leaves me longing to touch, feel, smell, kiss, hug, taste, and twist myself around him. I hate it when he leaves. For over eight hours a day I don't see him. How does one know if you might not see someone tomorrow? How do would you know when your life or that of someone you love will be taken away?


When we got married I don't think I thought about what would really change in my life. But now I know. I know that my life is him, being with him, loving him, having his children, growing old with him. I want to love him each day like there's no tomorrow. That's what keeps me going. That's what keeps the spice in our relationship going. That's what makes me love him more.

can't sleep

Do you ever try to sleep and all you ever do instead is think and think about stuff that you just can't get out of your head? My Babe has to go to work early so he goes to sleep early. But I woke up much later than he did this morning so i'm not at all sleepy. He on the other hand is, plus the fact that he has to go to work early. Sometimes I just wish that we had the same schedules so we could spend some "getting ready" time in the mornings like we used to. Oh well. I love him so much though.

Right now i'm thinking about our cute cat Nomi. Strategically named in japanese for flea. She was covered in fleas when we first got her and my sister-in-laws gave her the flea pinching/killing/soaping time of her life. She was about less than a month old when we got her. First our older cat Rufus (who happens to be extremely traumatized and anti-social) got scared of the little thing. (the name in association with how he was found - on the roof) Now the two felines play with each other like crazy. I think Rufus learned a new language from this experience, considering that he probably hasn't seen another cat from the first days he was born. They're so cute together.

more about me

Growing up I've always felt a little resentful of the things that have happened in my life. Primarily when I was sent to the philippines for highschool. It was rather hard for me to adapt. Everybody spoke the language except me, a filipina who was not openly accepted by her own people but could never be a true American due to the color of her skin. It was hard because at that time my mother was also going through a very tough divorce that lasted almost seven years. We were very poor then and the only thing she could do was to send me to the Philippines. My classmates made fun of my shoes, my socks, my uniform. I could hardly study because half the time I had a hard time understanding the english that my teachers spoke. Overtime ofcourse I got over it and things got a little better. But it really was never comfortable.

While the majority of my classmates had a mother, father, and siblings, it was hard for me to have friends that would understand the divorce my parents were going through, the tough times I had to reconcile childhood molestation and knowing that I would never really meet my biological father. I had to deal with the change in culture, of people, and being a teenager at the same time. But I learned something rather important.

I want to teach my kids to not discriminate based on cultural experiences or social class position. I want them to understand that you can be the smartest person in school, but being schooled does not equal being educated. That character is more evident on how you perform at home, how you treat your mother is how they will treat their wives, how they treat their mother is how their children will treat them. I want my children to grow up with a father. I hate the idea of divorce. Marriage is not just an individual's satisfaction of needs, but the psychological and emotional needs of the family as a whole. Marriage is not a board game that you can decide to quit anytime it doesn't go your way, it is a journey that you take whatever road you may tread on. It requires endurance as well as determination. Marriage is not an institute of the law, rather a gift from God. A much treasured gift that only God should be allowed to break apart if He sees fit.

At the same time, I do not blame my mother for any of her choices. Her choices have affected me and made me who I am. I will cherish my mother like a princess, not only because I love her, but because my example will hopefully show my children how I would want them to treat me. Finally, I must admit that I still hold some kind of resentment to many of those who blatantly refused to accept me whether it be due to popularity or social postion. But, one thing that I must continually tell myself, it is not our fault that one's character is formed, but rather our responsibility to adapt while at the same time stand for our beliefs, to understand while at the same time allow ourselves to be understood, and to respect while at the same time achieve a respectable disposition. If hardships and obstacles have taught me one thing, it would be God, the giver of my strength who above all else has kept me going till this very minute.